


What I Used To Be

by Jerge



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Control Ending, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-03
Updated: 2014-05-03
Packaged: 2018-01-21 16:55:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1557503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jerge/pseuds/Jerge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard misses her body and her friends. She works to change that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What I Used To Be

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't properly written anything since 2008 so its pretty exciting to give it another try! Inspired by the few control ending fics on here so there are definitely some influences. The fic was written while listening to Montezuma by Fleet Foxes so listen to it if you want while reading.

It had taken several years for this new Shepard to acquire a new body. It wasn’t a matter of resources, it was a matter of will.

She may have not been the same as the old Shepard but she still retained her morals, her memories, and her ambition to keep the universe safe. What was missing now was her connection to humanity, a body. Once she had figured out that this new Shepard was almost indistinguishable from the old Shepard, things started to stir inside of her.

She may have chosen to become a being like the Catalyst, a complicated AI of sorts to control the Reapers, a new hybrid between synthetic and organic, the closest one could possibly get to being a god... but she didn’t choose to lose the life she had previously been living.

She did what she had to do to save the universe from the largest threat its seen, cycle after cycle. She sacrificed herself much like how Legion did to spread her consciousness, take it to a higher level of consciousness in order to take control of the most powerful source in the universe.

But she missed having a body, after figuring out that she was not all too different from the old Shepard. She missed her friends. She missed the limitations that came with those things.

So she had her geth followers build her a body.

It was funny how the geth that had followed and worshiped the Old Ones were heretics but now it was just... common sense in a way to worship the god that was Shepard. Everyone in the universe followed her in some shape or form now, through remembrance and gratitude to straight up god worship through the new Church of the Shepard.

The geth did great work assembling a new form for her, but unlike how she had been hoping, they had created the body in their likeness. A body she later found out was not a body she could control.

Her desire for a new body didn’t transcend her want for it to be _her_ , not something else. She asked... ordered really, the geth to alter it into her likeness, which they responded with a little twitch of their eye plates before gathering themselves together into a small group to try again.

Eventually they got in contact with Miranda Lawson who showed up in record time to help the development of yet another body for her forever commanding officer.

Shepard watched. She watched from the eyes of a geth prime who watched the construction for her. She watched Earth through the eyes of a reaper called Narmada, silencing the little thoughts that still lingered inside of them, the thoughts of continuing their first and last mission. She watched the reapers reconstruct Palaven and watched the way Miranda cast uneasy looks at the geth that surrounded her.

She watched, eager, at everything in the universe, how it all came together under her metaphorical hands. Her fingers branched out across the universe, spreading her influence under her fingertips.

The days were melting together for Miranda but they were around halfway to a hundred days by the time Joker and EDI arrived at the small ship she was being built on.

Joker reacted with a joke, limping into the small vessel tucked away deep inside the veil where she stored the unnecessary reapers. He seemed uneasy around the geth, still not enough time for trust to be built between the organics and synthetic to make large groups in synthetic favor to be comfortable.

EDI was curious, watching the way the small team of geth worked together to build their god. Curious at the way Miranda organized them and lead them towards a final goal. She listened to Miranda explain what the geth had explained to her. Then she listened to the geth before she finally seemed to understand that yes her commander was still alive, in some form.

They couldn’t communicate directly, not yet at least, only through the geth were they able to properly share words. They brainstormed, the powerful team that composed of a few handful of geth and the three Normandy crew members (though Joker played more of a supportive figure, throwing jokes out when he could to keep the mood light.)

They worked around the geth's initial build, taking the almost entirely constructed body and editing it to their client's specifications.

It all had to be reaper tech, Miranda explained to the geth one afternoon as she looked over the body they had constructed for what seemed like the hundredth time. “She's had no luck taking over non-reaper technology, so this body needs to be whole reaper for this to work,”

It was true, she was only able to communicate with the geth because of the reaper technology that had helped their consciousnesses to expand to organic levels. The only thing she had any physical control over beyond suggestion were the reaper ships.

Upon finding this out, Shepard had ordered Narmada, the reaper that was stationed and stood as protector over Earth, to take the pieces of other destroyed Reapers that still hung in the space around Earth and bring them back to the ship where this whole organization took place.

Miranda seemed confused when she found out about these plans, asking why Shepard just didn’t announce her return. She would get all the supplies she needed and more.

But EDI pulled her aside, looking at the geth before turning her full attention on the black haired woman, and explained in a very monotone voice that the commander wasn’t looking for that sort of life. She understood what it was like, not having a body, EDI explained further, and getting large amounts of attention just to get that body was not the way she wanted it to go.

The geth later confirmed it to be true, that the commander did not want the attention that would come with her revival. She just wanted a life, any life, back, even if it was a hidden on, only known by a few handful of people.

Miranda followed along, taking the reaper tech that Narmada had brought back, before getting back to work, creating a woman's form out of the black hull of an old reaper. At least Shepard would have her blue eyes again, she joked to Joker one afternoon which made him smile a bit more genuinely.

Finally, the basics of the body were ready. There was fake hair like how EDI's was crafted and no formal skin, but the body was ready and resembled Shepard, if it weren’t for the dark metallic “skin” that she had.

The geth took the body and boarded one of the slumbering reapers and hooked it up so that Shepard could enter into it properly and without any complication. Unlike with EDI's transfer, things went smoothly and without a hiccup.

She allowed herself to take a moment and pretend she was sleeping. Just lay there for a long moment, unmoving. She allowed herself to rest, to take her mind off the things in the universe and to focus on her new body, taking check of each little system that would allow her to move, talk, hear, live.

"Shepard?”

Her eyes opened, blue optics shining brightly in contrast to the dark metal around them. She looked over at the man standing close to her body, watched the way his face brightened when he made eye contact with her.

“Hello Joker,” to think that would be her first words in this new body. She smiled.

They celebrated. Everything seemed to be working just as intended and the four of them enjoyed a nice conversation for the first time in... probably two years, just like before, Joker mentioned when the question was brought up.

She gave all of them hugs, the first one in ages. She couldn’t feel them nearly as well as she used to, but that was to be expected. This body was so much more different than her old one, she thought, looking at it in the glass of the ship Joker and EDI arrived on. It reminded her that she was mostly synthetic now.

How strange it was to be born organic, to die, become half organic and half synthetic, die one more time, and come back entirely synthetic. It was a cycle, she thought to herself as she coordinated the reapers to protect a small Earth colony from an oncoming, dangerous asteroid. Everything was a cycle.

The days passed in the veil, resources started to grow slim for the humans (she had really started to forget what it was like to need to eat) and the party decided it would be a good time to leave the dark area of space that they resided in and head back towards humanity.

Shepard was, admittedly, nervous. She hadn’t been nervous for so long it actually startled her. Immortality had grown on her and now, with a body, things were starting to change. Even as a synthetic being, things were starting to feel... normal again. As normal as Shepard could ever be that is.

She missed her friends. Having Miranda and then Joker and EDI just reminded her of how much she loved the crew of the Normandy, every single person on that ship had seen her during her greatest and worst times, be it that they were with her from the very beginning or just for the very end, they were very special to her.

So, as they left the dark area of space that she had the reapers sleep, heading off towards the closest planet that she knew had a friend on, Rannoch.

When they arrived, it there were several outcrops of tall buildings in the distance. Dotted along the fertile lands were small homes with large, blossoming gardens, green in stark contrast to the red rocks that surrounded the land.

Miranda had contacted Liara on their journey back to occupied space and they were going to meet on the joint quarian/geth home world where the two species worked together to reclaim the land and start building a society again.

Things were still tense, harsh even, but the reaper in orbit around the planet served as a reminder that there was something greater than a 300 year old war and that Shepard was the one who subdued the old machines as well as united the two species.

Finding Tali's home wasn’t a great struggle, her place right where she claimed it when they had gone to destroy the reaper. It was a small home with a large garden on the side, when the small team arrived, Tali had been outside tending to that garden.

She spotted Joker first and called out to him, waving her arm to welcome them over. She was babbling on in excitement over their surprise visit, shouting about not having food for dinner ready for such a large group of non-quarian people before she stopped mid sentence, her eyes growing wide as they approached.

“Miranda, what is this?” she sounded outraged, face turning cross.

Shepard wanted to cry, not because of her best friend's suspicions but because of her lack of suit. She had caught a parting glance of the beautiful woman back when she took the mask off in celebration but she couldn’t handle the way her light purple skin was starting to darken under the Rannoch sun, the way her bare hands were covered in rich red soil.

“Tali,” Shepard said, taking a step forward. She smiled, crookedly, and stopped a few feet away from the now standing quarian, “don’t tell me you've forgotten already,”

“Shepard is dead,” she said bluntly, shooting EDI and Joker a dark look, “why did you bring a copy of her here?”

She muttered something about it being worse than the VIs that now flooded the Citadel, all with her face and voice, spouting advertizements and news.

Shepard should have known it would be harder to convince Tali. She was always so cautious of new technology, she should have foreseen things not going so well on Rannoch.

“I know this might seem strange,” Shepard said cautiously, taking a few steps back to give her best friend some room, “but you have to believe me. And if you don’t want to believe me just yet, believe your friends. They're the reason why I'm back,” she smiled, rotating her bad shoulder out of habit, even though it was no longer a “bad” shoulder.

“What happened to you Shepard?” she asked, voice small and quiet. She still didn't seem very believing but had grown less angry and more melancholy.

“Its a long story,” she laughed lightly, voice going two-tone for a moment.

“Do you mind if we come in?” EDI asked, trying to move things forward. The sun was starting to set.

Tali hesitated before nodding, allowing them inside of her small home where she lived alone. Miranda had brought some rations for her and Joker while Shepard and EDI went without eating. Synthetics did have their advantages.

Shepard placed a hand on Tali's, looking up at her with shining blue eyes. Tali mentioned how much they looked like the Illusive Man's eyes. She apologized soon thereafter.

Shepard shook her head, smiling at her friend, telling her that it was a valid observation. “I said I would explain what happened, you all deserve to hear it from me, especially you Tali. Sorry about dropping my revival on you so suddenly,”

"Especially after last time,” Tali pouted, closing her eyes tightly, “This is not the first time you've surprised me like this Shepard,”

She laughed, “I can't seem to help it.”

She explained to the group about the all the events leading up to her death. She talked about the death that littered the Citadel, about the Illusive Man and his indoctrination, about his obsession with controlling the reapers and never having the mind to do it. She talked about the Catalyst, how its words inspired her to follow through with the Illusive Man's plans. She was a free mind from the Reapers, proving time and time again she was the galaxy's greatest paragon. She explained how destroying the Reapers would destroy all synthetic life in the galaxy and how she couldn’t bear with the thought of killing EDI or the geth.

So she did the only choice she thought was right, disintegrating her physical form and elevating her intelligence to an astral level, allowing her to overpower the reapers with her will and force them to rebuild and retreat.

She further explained that after everything had settled in those two years since her death... she had started to miss having a body, missed talking to her friends.

Tali was quiet, eyes pointed down at her mug. She took a sip before she looked back up at her. “I see,” she said, one more sip afterward. “I have one question,”

“Ask away, Tali,”

“Why the black metal? It's reaper isn't it?”

She nodded, explaining the hassle they had gone through figuring out that’s what they needed to build her a new body.

It wasn't the only question she had it seemed as she spent the rest of the night explaining her connection with the reapers... and the geth... and with the Citadel. Until finally Tali had to wrap a blanket around herself and show the tired Joker and Miranda where they could stay inside of her tiny.

The organics went to sleep, leaving only Shepard and EDI awake.

She closed her eyes, listening vaguely to the geth and keeping a close eye on the Reaper's stationed around the major species' home planets. She listened to the clock on the far wall tick. She listened to herself think.

“Shepard,” EDI said tentatively, taking a seat down next to the robotic woman.

Her eyes fluttered open and she looked at the woman that sat down next to her. She answered with a yes, looking at her curiously.

“I just wanted to thank you,” EDI seemed... different. Her cool face held an expression of true gratitude, a slight smile on her face and in her eyes. Who said that synthetics couldn’t properly express themselves...

“For?” She was genuinely confused.

“For not destroying all synthetic life.” EDI wrung her hands, smiling down at them before looking back up at Shepard, “If you did, the reapers may have been gone but so would I. I... appreciate... you taking into consideration my life. Joker would be sad without me,”

She nodded, “I couldn’t just,” she struggled with the words, “I couldn’t just promise a whole species a new life, give them validation that they're in fact a living creature and just take that away from them,”

“Well, I appreciate it. I respect that you could have chosen that, and I will support you in any decision that you choose to make, but I also appreciate that I am alive today. My self-preservation practicals are... relieved. I'm happy to be here today,”

“I'm happy you're here today too,” she placed a hand on EDI's and grinned at her, “You're one of my best friends EDI,”

EDI smiled, “And when are you going to tell your other best friends that you're alive?”

“Oh, in time,” Shepard reclined, “For now, I want to enjoy my time with Tali. Liara is coming as soon as possible and I know she'll be bringing Garrus. She might be good at hiding the fact that she's the Shadow Broker but she cant hide this, especially not from Mr. 'there's no Shepard without Vakarian.'”

EDI gave a small laugh at that and they spent most of the rest of the night chatting away.

Shepard, in her quiet time afterward, reflected. She couldn’t wait to see her other companions, but wished, quietly, there was a way to bring her old ones, the ones who sacrificed themselves. Bring them into this new universe where the reapers weren’t a threat anymore but an asset, as a part of the picture that was universal peace.

But they were long gone by now, their consciousness out somewhere unreachable.

She sighed quietly enough that it didn't catch EDI's attention.

Shepard thought about Legion, who sacrificed itself for its people. She thought about Mordin who gave his life for the Krogan people. She remembered her crew members who lost their lives in the persuit for Saren, for the suicide mission to take down the Collectors, and the mission to the beam up to the Citadel.

She lost a lot of good people. But she still had a lot of good people, be it in her heart only, or in person as well.

Shepard closed her eyes again, watching Earth from a reaper named Narmada. She swapped over to a reaper named Nirmit and watched quietly at Palaven, where her best friend was probably waking up to a message from Liara announcing the revival of his commander.

She watched over Tuchanka, where her favorite krogans lived and ruled.

She looked all across the galaxy, watching over her people and over the people she had given her organic form for.

She smiled and listened to her artificial heart beat. Things were good.

 


End file.
